britwolfson.com

30 Day Street Performing Challenge Days 15-18

Posted in Brit's thoughts on Mar 18, 2008

So this post covers Saturday to Tuesday. The interesting thing that all of those days have in common is that they are all days that I did not go out and street perform. And I’m ok with that. I guess this is a lesson that not every challenge will end with a 100%-success-checkmarked-report-card, even though I feel like a 100% success internally.

I could give lots of reasons that I didn’t go out and street perform, everything from the great old friends I saw in Staten Island to the immense amount of creative output that has been flowing through me, but at some fundamental level it was the fear again.

My old friend. In this arena of performing, I’m beginning to almost befriend my fear. My old companion, how have you been? I’m seeing that after the excitement of jumping over one hurdle, oh look, another hurdle! Just like that! Like clockwork. But each fear is a little more expansive, is built on the previous success, is pulling me toward an even greater expansion.

And the new fear is definitely engaging people, talking to them, motivating them, dancing with them, teaching them, hugging them, loving them, laughing with them. And hey, I think it’s pretty understandable. I don’t see a lot of other people out on the subway doing that (as in 0), so we’re getting farther out on the ledge now.

But at the same time, I’m really excited. Because I know that one day (maybe even tomorrow!) I will come back with a glowing report of how I really did it, I really did it, I engaged people, they liked me, they loved me! That someone came up and thanked me for what I said. That someone gave me a really tender hug. That there was this one moment where I just let it all out and was free and really danced and people were clapping and screaming. I can see it and feel it clearly. And I know at the same time, that’s a lot of energy for me to muster. It’s something I’ve never done in this context. And as much as I can type about it excitedly, actually going out there and doing it has thus far eluded me.

But I’m a survivor my man. I am not giving up. I am going out swinging. So I feel good. I feel like loving myself for what I’ve already accomplished. I really wasn’t sure in January if I was ever going to be able to do this at all, and now I’m right in the middle of it. It’s a good feeling. I think my next 30-day challenge may actually be 30 days of self-love and complete self-acceptance. Because it feels like this is what this challenge is pushing me toward. Because it’s not easy, and it’s not easy to “fail” and then report on your failure. We live in a society that likes winners.

Anyway, that’s my spiel. I made my first drawing since I was probably 12 years old on Sunday and finished it today. I *REALLY* enjoyed making it. It was exactly what I wanted to draw. I took that drawing class and they taught me how to draw things realistically and I didn’t like it at all. It was so formulaic. I felt like an architect or something. Like a scientist. I thought it was supposed to be magical. Well, making this was magical. I fully intend to develop this style further and further, making it trippier and trippier and trippier and more and more geometrical and fractalline as I go, because that is what I love, tripping and geometry and fractals (which of course are geometry themselves).

Delving into all of these forms of art has really been helping me discover what I like. It’s so easy for me to know what I like in drawing, but much harder in dancing. But the knowledge and confidence I achieve in one transfers directly to the next, in a way that you can’t get in any other way.

So here’s my drawing:

I call it “Alien Dreamtime” in honor of my favorite guy ever in the history of guys, Terence McKenna. Love you Terence!

I’ve also written about 5 new songs, wrote the outline for my new one-man show which is probably about a year away from taking a form that could be presented, wrote a story that I ultimately want someone to animate, and learned a ton of new stuff about Photoshop (like how to make stuff like this), and worked on the treatment for the Ordinary Miracles script. I want to take this time also to give myself credit for the vast explosion in creativity that I have experienced in the past year. It is what I said I want and it is definitely what I am experiencing. I intend to collaborate more. I’d like to have a band/rap group/musical experiment. So I’m excited to see how that comes together.

By the way, Bashar is big on March 15 aka the Ides of March being a major major portal for visitations from past societies on Earth. Did anyone experience anything like this? I had a weird experience with what felt like a 30 foot needle being removed from my sacral chakra, but I didn’t really associate it with a past society (boy I have sure gone off the Western culture deep end to write about 30 foot needles being removed from sacral chakras with a straight face). But let me know if in recollection anything interesting happened to your on or around Saturday.

Here’s the vlog: